Jump to content

Humor (bez YUTUB linkova!)


Guest 10 dinara

Recommended Posts

Ukradeno sa jednog drugog foruma :D

 

 

Marija Sherifovic i Sasa Matic u krevetu,kad nakon nekog vremena kaze Sasa: "A da mi ipak stavimo kese na glavu"?

 

Osmi padež-- ZEMUNITIV

koga čime

 

 

Pozvala kornjaca muriju da prijavi da je opljackana...pita je pub "znate li ko Vas je napao" kaze kornjaca -razularena banda puzeva_

Pita pub...mozete li nam reci malo vise...a ova ce...":neznam sve se odigralo munjevito"

 

 

 

Ukradena "Zastava 128"

 

-Što ne uze onu Vektru ili onog BMW-a od narko-dilera iz ulaza do mog?

Kako li je samo upali, kad ja verglam po 10 minuta?

Jel' ti crkla guma, k'o meni pre 2 dana?

Jesi li uključio grejanje kroz haubu, jer se sajla pokidala?

Dokle si stigao sa one 3 litre u rezervoaru...

Nadam se do prve bandere, ruka ti se osušila!

Jel' te zaustavio saobraćajac, što nemaš prednji desni žmigavac,

nek' ti polomi noge pendrekom!

Jesi se nasluš'o muzike na onom jadnom produvalom zvučniku,

a kaseta se baš duuuuuuuuugo vrti zimi, mozak ti kroz uši iscureo!

Cigaru upali na auspuh, majke ti ga spalim,

pošto nema upaljača, k**** mi se napušiš!!!

Ispod desnog sedišta imaš dugme, kojim možeš da prespojiš bobinu,

da ti je ne bi ukrali... ukrali ti leš dabogda!

Kad pada kiša, ti stavi rukavice, jer se skida ono crno go.no oko volana,

crna te voda izbacila!

Pazi da ti ne polome brisače!

Imaš stare, potrošene (rezervne) u gepeku.

Kočnicu pritisni dvaput brzo ili jednom, al' do daske,

iako bi ja želeo da ne zakočiš na vreme pred grotlom pakla

i da tamo goriš dok ti 128 demona čereči iznutricu do kraja večnosti!

Što li me, bre, mrzelo da stavim jastuče sa iglama i udicama na vozačevo sedište,

bar bih poštedeo svet tvog prokletog poroda, živ se ucrv'o!

Stić' će tebe kletva najstrašnija, gde pokrade poštena čoveka,

kugom ti se seme zatrovalo, dabogda krv piš'o!

Đavoli ti pamet isisali, a sa glavom nogomet igrali !

Mater ti se parila s veprom, pa da pos.re još jednog

takvog istog ko što si ti.

 

p..s..

Ako neko vidi krem Zastavu 128, registracije BG 192-523,

neka je polije benzinom i zapali.

 

 

 

Svađaju se dva pedera.

- Marš, pederu!

- Marš ti, pederčino.

- Ej, ne seri više!

- Ne seri ti!

- Ma, puši mi ku*ac!

- Aha! Sad hoćeš da se pomirimo?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bolje predloge nisam čitao! Dirty Sanchez ftw! :haha:

 

 

AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

 

DOUBLE BASS A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

 

ETCH-A-SKETCH Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

 

FREE THE TADPOLES Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

 

HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT A vigorous masturbation session.

 

Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of its mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water. An old favorite.

 

Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a girl, you shit on its chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

 

Donkey Punch - Banging a girl and then moments before you cum, punch it in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that it's asshole tightens up.

 

Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give it the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around it. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.

 

Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a girl is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into its cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

 

The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As the girl is lying on its back and you are hammering it from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly a class move.

 

Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position, you hook your pinky fingers in its mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.

 

The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming its head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

 

Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

 

The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when said-girl is really enjoying it, you grab onto its tits as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as it tries to buck you off.

 

Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give it the money, the inside of its twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

 

New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down on it, you puke on its box. Happy trails!

 

Dirty Sanchez - While banging a dog doggy style, quickly stick 2 fingers deep into its starfish, then reach around and wipe the residue on its upper lip, providing it with a man's mustache.

 

The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having it suck you off while you're on the shitter.

 

The Bismark - Another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to spew, pull out and shoot all over its face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and jism together.

 

Jelly Doughnut - A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch it in the nose while you are getting head.

 

Woody Woodpecker - While a girl is sucking on your balls, repeatedly tap the head of your cock on its forehead.

 

The Fish Eye - Working from behind, you shove your finger in its pooper. Thereupon, it turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

 

The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's chest and then titty fuck it.

 

Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud and use multiple digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2 knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).

 

The Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When getting a dog from behind (with both partners standing), make sure you don't let it grab onto anything when it is bent over. Then, drive your hips into its backside so that the momentum pushes it forward. The goal is to push it into a wall or table, or have it trip and fall on it's face. You attain the status of Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto its hips.

 

Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over the skank's face and taking a dump.

 

Ray Bans - Put your nuts over its eye sockets while getting head. You're can is on its forehead. Yes, it may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.

 

The Snowmobile - When plugging a gitl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

 

Stuffucking- The act of "stuffing in" your limp, helpless member in hopes of getting it up. Potential causes: you're too drunk or the girl's too ugly. (see also; Fugly)

 

The Flaming dingo- This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some girl, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then extinguish the flames with your jizz!

 

Old Jism Trail -The stream of semen oozing down the chin and chest of someone who has just finished fellating a bloke.

 

Post Poodle Syndrome -The feeling of depression felt after successful removal of a hammerhead. The excitement has passed, and you must now find something else to occupy your time.

 

The Schnorbitz Maneuver -Using your penis to dislodge an object blocking a choking, slobbering girl's windpipe.

 

Angry dragon - This involves the girl giving the guy head and as he is about to cum slapping the dog on the back of the head causing the cum to come out its nose. Great care should be used to not slap her mouth shut.

 

The Walrus - when a girl giving u a blowjob and u cum in her mouth unexpectedly, cover up its mouth and punch her in the stomach.

 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...